Beyond Redemption aka Breakable- Bionic Woman Fiction (Sarah Corvus)

[yllektra]

Title: Beyond Redemption aka Breakable
Author: force_oblique
Rating: G
Disclaimer: Bite me! Ok, I dont own anything! :P
Characters/Pairings: Sarah Corvus/Mention of other characters
Word Count: 1492
Summary: Sarah’s feelings about the turn her life has taken.
Author's Notes: Might be crappy, especially since it is my very first try at a Bionic Woman Fiction.

Crossposted at my fiction/lyrics lj@souls_eclipse and at bionicfic,sarahcorvus,bionicwomanff


Breakable

Breakable.
Now, there’s a word I wouldn’t expect to relate to.
Vulnerable, exposed.

Looking at myself in the mirror I know they are true.
My life has changed against my will. Against my better judgement.

Against my dreams.

It only took a moment for the accident to happen.

The accident that took my sister’s life and with it, the best part of me.



I guess we all have two parts, two halves, two faces.
The one is our good one. The presentable one. The one we are proud of.
Full of life and joy. And principles and morals.
Filled with good intentions and ideals. Kindness and generosity.

It is the half that gives purpose to our lives., that makes us feel special, profound, meaningful.

The part that drives us to become better persons, that elevates us to something more. More than human.

And then, there’s the other half.

The dark half, the obscure part. Them one we are ashamed of. The hidden one.

The one that only has needs and desires and yearnings and sometimes overshadows everything else.


The part with no morals and no principles.

Filled with an overwhelming sense of power and control. Filled with deception, manipulation.

Hostility and possessiveness.

There are no good intentions there. No patience and no compromise.

There is only the will to seize, to take, to have, overlooking consequences, complications or costs.

That half is strong; it makes you feel in control, invincible, like nothing can touch you.


And nothing does because there’s no room for emotions. There aren’t any.

Everything you’ve ever felt, everything you‘ve ever shared means nothing. It fades; it just fades into the background. Just some random music, a song that keeps playing in your head but gradually it gets dimmer and dimmer until it’s forgotten.

And you feel ok. You feel better than ok.

Better than ever, better than human.

You feel more than human, once it takes over. And you realize that you are not in control, not in charge. You are not more than human.

You are just not human anymore.

When my sister died, I wanted to die with her. For days I cried, I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to die because
I couldn’t live without her. Didn’t want to go on. Crying, broken and scared, all alone in this world. I wanted nothing. I expected nothing.

There was nothing to expect.

I only prayed for my death. I only wished I would die. And my wish was granted, at least in part. A part of me did die.

But it was the part of me that was human.

The good part. The part of me that still held faith and love.

The part of me that contained kindness and goodness.

The part of me she loved. The part of me that held the whole of me together.

I shed my humanity and all that was left, was the animal.

My instincts, the half that was dark and shallow and devoid of any emotion or sentiment.

The part of me my sister could have hated. The part of me I could hate if indeed I had any feelings left.

But they died along with her.

It was more than just my body that got shattered and broken.
Torn into pieces.

It was my soul, my psyche, my humanity, my sanity.

And I could never get them back. The bionics were just a necessity, an excuse for what I’ve become.

It was easy to think that the reason I felt so empty and emotionless was that I was part machine. A mere congestion of chips and neurons.

If I was unable to feel it was because the machine had taken over.
It was comforting to have something to blame.

Performing each task the Berkut Group asked me to, was easy. There was nothing I wanted to do anyways, so it was just as well.

At least I was doing something.

I was really a robot.

It wasn’t till Jae started seeing me as something different that I sensed something change.

I don’t think it was me.

I don’t think I encouraged him to see me in another light.

He just trained me to use the machine in me instead of the opposite. I obeyed, I followed his orders and there was just a sign.

A hint. Maybe a smile, a slight nod, a touch. A light touch, or a tap on my shoulder.

Just a little something a machine doesn’t need to function.

So it couldn’t be the machine it was directed to.

He was addressing the human in me, the woman in me.

And that human, that woman responded despite of me.

Responded in a way I hadn’t seen or felt in years.

I was more than just a machine when I was with him. I was more than just a woman.

I was a woman in love. And hope crept its way into my heart again.

And it felt warm and exciting and complete.

I had dreams and thoughts of the future.

Aspirations. Thoughts of happiness and togetherness and he was right next to me. And God, was it amazing!

God, was it good! Too good to be true.

Come to think of it, it wasn’t him that changed eventually. It was me, something in me I couldn’t control.

The dark part started to assume control again. The dark half, the unwanted one, the one that held me back.

I started feeling invincible again because he loved me. The machine was stronger after all.

I watched as my bionic arms tore through flesh and bones and hearts.

I watched as the animal in me awakened devouring my humanity.

I didn’t want this to happen. I didn’t welcome it and I didn’t encourage it.

But it was almost surreal the way it took over breaking what reminded of my heart and my sanity as it broke other hearts.

The heart of the one I held most dear.
I know I was wrong.

I know I have no excuse for what I have done.

There’s no one but me to blame.

I was weak, feeble, inexcusable.

I know I didn’t deserve to be heard.

I know I didn’t deserve to be saved.

But that was what I needed, what I wanted. I needed someone to believe in me.

Someone to trust me again, because I didn’t trust myself.

Jae could still love me.

He did still love me but it was more than just him taking decisions.

I had gone too far, risked too much to ask for forgiveness, leniency or even trust.

I was sick, unaware. I don’t know if it showed in my eyes when he cornered me as he was instructed with the goal of killing me.

I don’t know what he could see of what was going on inside me.

Inside it was turmoil and exhaustion and confusion. Panic and disappointment.

Desolation, despair, loneliness. Need and exasperation. Frustration and insanity. Hope and love.

I don’t know what he saw as he pulled the trigger.

All I know is that he told he loved me and that I believed him despite the circumstances.

All that I know is that I felt more connected to him in that moment, than I ever had before.

That very moment that my life hang in his hand.

All I know is that I loved him and that he loved me back.

Yes he shot me but I dread to think what anyone else in the organization would have done if it was left at their hands.

I didn’t mean to them anything more than a lost case, a project gone bad, a lunatic that went on a killing spree.

And here I am now, revived but not really alive.

Functioning but not living.

Breathing but not appreciating the oxygen.

Moving but not really bound by gravity.

It just doesn’t feel like me anymore.

Not without him and not without a purpose.

My soul is gone.

I am slowly dying and I know it.
Jamie Sommers refused to help me but it seems like it doesn’t really make a difference.

There’s no technology to fix this.
Fix me. There’s nothing to take away the shaking, the tremors, the dizziness, the nausea…

But most importantly there’s nothing to take away the loneliness, the emptiness, the meaninglessness.

Nothing to bring about the warmth, the feeling, the love, the compassion.

There’s nothing to bring back the hope, the dreams, the sanity.

I am just an empty shell and I wonder if even Jae could fill that .

He cannot stop my dying.

Everything is deteriorating, breaking apart, breaking into pieces.

And I still haven’t made my peace.

I still haven’t made any sense of it, of my life.

I have yet to comprehend why.

To realize my purpose.

I still haven’t sought my forgiveness , my salvation, my deliverance.

And I wonder is there time?

Am I really beyond redemption?


~Fin~