The Grip Of Perdition - Dean,Castiel - PG - [1/1]

[yllektra]

Title:The Grip Of Perdition
Author: force_oblique
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I don't own anything! :P
Characters/Pairings: Dean,Castiel (mention of other characters, moslty Sam and Ruby) - mostly Dean POV
Spoilers/Warnings: General fic - no spoiler
Summary: When he saw the tears that humans like you shed, when he saw the shivers going through their bodies either from the cold or from the severe malnutrition, didn't he want to reach out and hold them? When he saw little children, fragile entities with no means of protecting themselves being maltreated and abused, didn't it break whatever he has instead of a heart?Wasn't his chest or whatever kept his grace within him, constricted?

Author's Notes: Last Night's episode with its Dean/Castiel dynamics broke my heart...
~ English is not my native language so excuse any crappiness and/or mistakes!




The Grip Of Perdition

Your voice is broken. If you speak now, all you will utter will be meaningless sounds with no comprehensible vowels or consonants, which wouldn’t even count as pathetic excuses for words –ones that cannot be said.

You know you have to speak, though. You have to express the chaos that has taken over your mind, trying to take in all of this, but you can’t for the life of you- a life that HE has deemed valuable- put your thoughts into words.

Everything is so different than what you expected.
So out of place, so unexpected.
Trying to make sense of it has put you in confusion.

But you are only human, how are you supposed to be able to deal with this?

How are you supposed to make sense of this when it involves so many things that are out of your hands, out of your world?

If you were more than human, if you had at least briefly glimpsed the reality stretching over the dimensions beyond your perception, then maybe you would be able to wrap your mind around this.

How can it be that Castiel, the angel that delivered you, that brought you back to life with a purpose, is now refusing or is incapable of seeing how something like this could tear you apart and disrupt your focus, your conviction, your belief?

How can it be that heartless though he said he is by default, still in the few times that you had encountered him, he acted more like a father figure, like a guardian rather than the Avenger he presents himself to be right now, in the presence of Uriel and Sam and Ruby and Anna?

How could he ever be so unkind and unforgiving to someone of his own kind, though fallen from grace?

Isn’t he loyal? Isn’t there some sort of unwritten law for caring for and respecting your colleagues, your comrades, your brothers?

You know you are loyal.
You know you care and that nothing in this world could ever make you turn your back on your brother.

Not even God could make you do that.
There is no curse, there is no pain, there is no commandment even by HIM that could ever force you to relinquish your brother…

Yes, you have a heart, yes you have a soul and maybe it makes a difference, a big one.
But is it just that?

You can think for yourself, you can feel deeply and heart-wrenchingly, you can cry and laugh and always find reasons to do so…

You are human. It comes naturally.

Can you honestly expect the same from a creature that’s been around since the dawn of time? Since even before the genesis of the human kind?
Someone who has seen everything, someone who has born witness to all miracles?

And what does it mean heartless? Does that mean Angels don’t need bloοd pumped in their veins? You already knew that...

Does it also mean that they don't feel? They don't have emotions?
Are they pure essence and energy with no concept of who they are or a very strict and limited one?

One that causes them to just stand by for orders, take no initiative?

One that causes them to be pathetic onlookers to happy and miserable moments alike?
Making no distinction?

When Castiel was there during the Great War or Wars, seeing all that misery, the blood being shed over something unimportant or even stupid when evaluated in the course of time, did it really not touch him?

When he saw the tears that humans like you shed, when he saw the shivers going through their bodies either from the cold or from the severe malnutrition, didn't he want to reach out and hold them?

When he saw little children, fragile entities with no means of protecting themselves being maltreated and abused, didn't it break whatever he has instead of a heart?

Didn't it make his eyes water? Didn't it make his mouth bitter with bile?

Wasn't his chest or whatever kept his grace within him, constricted?

Didn't he feel disgusted by what his Father, God, had allowed to happen?

When he heard words that pierced more effectively than knives and daggers, when he listened on peoples', young peoples', wishes to die, to rid themselves of life, didn't it make him angry?

Din't it make him feel sad? Overwhelmed with grief?

Did he not hold himself responsible along with his brothers?

Wasn't he supposed to be there? Wasn't he supposed to actively help when the darkest hour had fallen upon man?

Wasn't he supposed to provide people with assistance when hatred, temptation and envy rendered them to be nothing more than meaningless shells of that different kind of grace bestowed to them?

Did he enjoy watching humanity break apart? Disintegrate?
Did he relish in the degeneracy, in the misinterpretation and the twisting of our purpose?

When someone lifted his hand to fire a gun, or even back in time when someone lifted his hand and held up a sword, its blade hungry for blood, was Castiel there holding that hand?

Was Castiel there guiding that hand awaiting orders or did he dash forward trying to hold it back?
Did he smirk or did he cry?

Did he disobey to make things better or did he prefer to follow orders to rid himself of the blame and the guilt?

What was his place in all of this? What is his place in all of this?

When your father sold his soul to have you breathe again, did he not see?
Did he not care?

Did he not regret that a fine man was going to go underground, where every decency that he had would be used against him?

Was he there when the deal was broken? When the yellow-eyed demon laughed and taunted and gnawed on your father's pain?

And was he there enjoying himself when you made the same deal for your brother?
When you believed that it was enough for you to have one more year next to him, instead of spending a lifetime without him?

Was he there when you weighed your options, finally reaching to your decision?
Was Castiel there approving when you finally told yourself that you were worth less than your brother?
That the world would be a better place with Sam in it than with you?

Where was God's Army when you were taken?

When you were suffocated into oblivion, your blood running crimson at your sides as the hellhound ripped you apart again and again until there was nothing left?

And did he look on as Sam buried what was left of your body and carried on to risk everything and go against everything he had ever been told or advised?

And how did he dare act so sanctimonious when he told you that Sam using his psychic powers was bad and should be stopped at all costs?

If he cared so much, if he really acted out of interest for Sam, shouldn't he be there when he was feeling lost and alone and broken so detrimentally that he could not pull himself together again?

How did he and Uriel judge him for relying on Ruby and blaming her for his actions when she was there to help when they weren't?

Who were they to speak when she was the only one who went through to his brother and all they did was occupy themselves with other things?

Demon whore they called her?
For sleeping with a human?
For crossing to the other side?

Ruby was human. Were they there when she was desperate and abandoned and forsaken enough to resort to magic and selling her soul?

When she cried at night, hoping things would go better if God and his angels only looked upon her for a mere moment, where were they?

When she commended her soul to God, were they there to receive that soul and carry it back to its maker?

Were they there trying to convince her that God was indeed there listening and caring and she should just hold on?
Be patient till a miracle came her way?

And what were they? If the one who stands by you, trying to help you even misguidedly with whatever means possible is called a Demon Whore, then what are they called?

What should you call someone, a creature way more powerful than you, who just stands by and observes when tragedies unfold and blood is shed and souls are lost forever even though it could stop with a mere whisper of his, a subtle move and a nudge?

Is that the Demon or is it the Angel?

When perdition came like a dark wave, like a flooding tide, angry and hungry to devour your soul and the soul of others where was he?
Where were his brothers?

Was Castiel there watching when you were on that rack spitting blod, howling in pain, screaming in agony, wishing you were never born?

And was he more concerned about the blasphemy that came out of your mouth rather than about your despair?

One of his father's creations was being torn into shreds; his soul, the fine fabric of His grace bestowed on you ripped into pieces, too many and too small to ever make it whole again, and he did nothing?

When perdition came to apprehend you and handed you over as prey to Hell's torturing claws, God forsaking you completely did Castiel know that you would break?

Was he counting on your weakness? Was he counting on your despair?

Did he know that you would eventually give up and become an apprentice to evil?

Did he know how much you'd come to hate yourself, how much you'd want to hurt yourself and never care what would become of you?

And did he enjoy watching all that?
Was he smiling, laughing, smirking?

Did it make him feel better about himself for not having done anything to stop any of that?

No intervention, no guidance, no interference?

If you didn't escape the grip of perdition, no matter how hard you tried with all your human might, did he do all of that, just observe and speculate, to be sure that he would have better luck?

That no harm would come his way and his Father would hold him responsible for anything?

Was that enough, Castiel?
Did you really give away your solitary, redeeming grace in order to escape perdition's grip? To avoid loss,or accusations of disobedience and malconduct even though you believed otherwise?

To avoid having to fall?
To avoid having to live even one day as a human and see the world as we see it?

Taste what we taste, feel what we feel, hear what he hear?

Is it so fearsome, Castiel? Humanity?

But you seem so fond of it. Uriel told me you like me. Why is that?
Is it because you see something in me?

Is it because you see the person you would like to be if you were human?

Someone never giving up, always standing up for what he thinks is right?

Is it why you chose to be the one to lift me from perdition?

To cover me with your wings into deliverance?

Would you like to be me?
Somenone who keeps going after everything he has seen and done and understood about the world and its scourges?

Or is it the other way round, Castiel?

Were you next to me only to have the pleasure of seeing me fail and sin?

Only to have the pleasure of seeing me be in pain and giving in to it?

Did you save me because it was God's will, Castiel, or was it yours?

Do you want to watch me turn into an abomination? Someone hated by everyone?

Will you be happy - if you know how that feels- if I just give up now?

Will it confirm your views on humans, if I turn out rotten and a coward?

Will it prove that you were right into not wanting to become one of us?

If perdition comes for me again, Castiel, will you be there to stop it or precipitate it?

Will you try to quicken the process?

If I try to escape the grip of perdition, will you help me?

And if the grip of perdition chased you, what would you do?

What would it take to escape it and would you be willing to do everything?

Act even against the conscience you say you lack?

I guess only time will tell...
And you have plenty....




~ FIN~

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