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yllektraTitle: But I Am The Hammer II
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
force_oblique
Rating: PG-13 - ;)innuendo (nothing graphic just talking - mostly censored for your blushing eyes lol)
Disclaimer: I don't own anything! :P
Characters/Pairings: Castiel/Elle Bishop - mostly poor Castiel's POV, Claire Bennet cameo
Spoilers/Warnings: General fic - no spoiler, Crack!Fic
Summary: “We are ANGELS, we DON’T have sex!! Is that understood?” Castiel shouted, ignoring the pointed, disapproving looks he got from the other angels around him since he said the “s” word.
“Liar! And how were Nephilims born, huh?” Elle quipped.
“Do I look like an obstetrician?”
Author's Notes: This is what happens when you go completely insane. When you are talking with people as insane as yourself...there's no escape. It was beyond my control!
And this is the second time... heee since it is the Sequel!
Dedicated to My Joy Parade:
broodyletons: You need the cheering up hun, hope you like
glass_fawn: You were/are the inspiration behind this after all! *g*
READ THE FIRST PART(stand-alone too)HERE
Crossposted to Heroes and SPN communities and also at :![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
heroes_crack, ellecrossing and spn_castiel
Elle Bishop /Castiel --- Castiel POV
When she came to, she felt dizzy and disoriented. Since she couldn’t remember what had happened she had no idea where she was.
She was flat on her stomach and she quickly rolled over and looked around.
If she didn’t know any better she would swear she was inside a cloud.
Everything around her was blueish and fluffy. And soft too.
But how the hell was it possible that she could stand up and walk?
She had barely walked a few steps when Castiel appeared, solemn as ever.
She grinned at him.
“Let me guess, now you have come to tell me that this is HEAVEN?” *holyfuckingshit… it is heaven*
He was surprised at the question. “Why, yes?”
“Get outta here!!” she giggled.
“Pardon? You want me to leave?”
“Do you always take everything so literally?” the blonde asked him rolling her eyes.
“Is there any other way?”
She glanced at him for a few seconds before replying.
“I guess you have to be human to get it” *man, this dude was not fun at all*
She approached him, waving her finger at him, revealing more of her already abysmal cleavage. “You know I should totally zap your ass for knocking me out and bringing me here” *if this isn’t sexy, I don’t know what is*
He merely smirked. “Like you could” he said, seemingly unaffected.
*breathe, just breathe, dont slap yourself and don't stare**
She sighed and stood akimbo.
It made her look more threatening she was told. - *this was back when she was in a dominatrix phase*
“Just this once, I will let it slide. Only because I have no idea where I am and why I am here. Care to explain?” she said trying to read his face.
“God decided to give you a second chance, so I was asked to bring you here for an assignment” the angel answered and he didn’t seem happy about it.
She frowned and cleared her throat.
Now wasn’t the time to act ungrateful, but everything comes at a price.
“And what if I don’t want it? What if I want to go back to earth?
If Castiel was capable of showing any emotion this was it and he seemed as if he were expecting her to say that. Hoping actually.
"Awesome. Then jump..." was his cryptic reply.
"What? Jump from heaven…. Are you ‘high’?
Well scratch that, we are both high, literally. But I can’t fly you know!!”
“Believe me, I know” he said amused.
“Well, what about you?"
"Do I look like a cab?"
"No! Just someone with wings – dude, no engine, no gasoline, totally environmentally friendly"
"Very funny"
“Thanks I pride myself on my wits”
“Good for you. Now shall we? I have orders to take you to God’s chamber”
Elle’s eyes went huge with awe. “Wait, you mean He actually wants to meet me?”
“As if” Castiel snorts. “You will not see my Father. You will only listen”
“Ok fair enough…still….” She said walking after him s he led the way.
Around her other angels more or less like Castiel were around minding their business, whatever business it was.
“So, were you the one who talked Him into forgiving me?”
He waved his hand over his shoulder signalling “no”.
“You really are crazy. Why would I do that?” he exclaimed.
“I don’t know. Maybe you wanted to keep me here for some earthly, carnal pleasure?” she suggested and though he had his back turned Castiel knew she was winking.
That girl would never learn….
“Nice try, but ….no”
His reply didn’t satisfy her though and as she saw many angels who could put to shame lots of male Calvin Klein underwear models, she said:
“Wow so many angels, are they all as dedicated as you?” *please say no, say no*
“Of course” (if you exclude that sadist Haneel and that perve Azazeal)
“So, they don’t like sex?”
“Of course not!” he started.
“Have they even tried it? They might change their minds, if they do try it”
Annoyed, he turned to look at her.
“We are ANGELS, we DON’T have sex!! Is that understood?” he shouted, ignoring the pointed, disapproving looks he got of the other angels around him since he said the “s” word.
“Liar! And how were Nephilims born, huh?”
“Do I look like an obstetrician?”
God this girl was giving him a headache.
“Besides, those were Fallen Angels. Mark the difference. We are not fallen, we still have our grace” he finished proudly.
“Yeah, but no sex” she murmured.
“Well, it’s ok. All you need is a shove, literally” she teased.
“Nooooo!” he said quickly covering her mouth with his hands.
“There will be no ‘shoving’ of any kind and I don’t wanna see you talking to any other of the angels, are we clear?”
She disentangled herself from his grasp and laughed. “So you are not all as invulnerable as you say! Interesting… I think I will be having a lot of fun here” she whispered to herself.
Castiel only rolled his eyes. ---*hide your blushing eyes*---
---*you can open your eyes now*---
“Okay, I will stop! So, what do you do for fun around here?" the cheeky blond asked.
"Well, if there is no ongoing battle, we praise the Lord and we pray." He sighed in relief, glad the conversation was taking another turn.
"And after that?" she pressed.
"We pray some more"
"Wow, for being so close to God, you surely pray a lot. What's the matter? He needs all the good luck He can get?" she gigglesnorted.
"Don’t blaspheme!"
"I don't, I'm just being a smart ass, trying to annoy you" she stuck her tongue at him again.
*little pink devil aaaargh*
"You are doing a terrific job, your father would be proud" he mouthed, irony in his voice.
"Is your father proud?" she teased him.
“Wait here, I will be back!” he ordered ignoring her. *I will be back, unfortunately*
“Wait here? And what am I supposed to do in the meantime?” she asked folding her arms across her chest.
“I don’t know… Maybe listen on somebody’s thoughts or prayers?”
"Wait, you mean you can actually listen to someone's thoughts from here?"
"Yes, anyone you want. Just name the person and you can hear him or her, ok? Now get off my back”
“Gladly” she answered back but he was already gone somewhere she couldn’t see.
*anyone in the world? This is friggin awesome*
“Huh! How about that blond bitch, Claire Bennet?” she mouthed and immediately felt a ringing in her head.
Claire Bennet:
Elle shakes her head and snorts: "And they dare call me delusional?"
*****In the meantime, Castiel wasn’t enjoying himself as much.*****
“What do you mean you can’t accept her now? You asked to see her, You can't be busy”
“I am busy. Keep her company till I ask for her again”
The angel’s eyes went huge with horror.
For a split moment he slipped and slapped himself in front of the Lord.
“Father, please. You don’t know what you are asking. This girl is insufferable”
“How can you say that, Castiel? You have led my Angels to battle and this little thing is harmless.
That is why she was saved. She is simply misguided and it is your duty to bring her back to her original holiness.”
“No, no” he starts shaking his head. “She cannot be saved and I surely can’t help her or keep her company”
“DO YOU REFUSE ME?” God’s voice was soft and calm but Castiel knew him better than that. Rage hot like fire seethed underneath and it would come out if he pushed Him far enough.
Swallowing with difficulty he tried to make amends.
“Of course not, I do not refuse you. I am merely asking you to reconsider. I cannot do it alone”
“My decision is final. If you need any help though, ask Michael and he will tell you what to do”
The angel sighed, accepting his fate and left without any other words.
****************
Elle’s face lit up when she saw him. “Now He will see me?”
“No, I am afraid I will have to keep you company till He is available again”
“Oh, goodie” she said clapping. “Maybe you can show me around some more”.
*Yeah, goodie* he scoffed.
“No, no… Stay here! I will be back”
“No, don’t leave …Wait” she uttered but he was already flying away.
In a matter of seconds he was outside Archangel Michael’s chamber. Castiel took a deep breath and knocked.
“Yes?” Michael’s voice sounded.
“Michael, it’s me Castiel. I need your help”
The higher angel opened the door dressed in a sweat suit.
“What for?”
“Well, God asked me to watch over this insolent human and I can’t get her to shut up, she is giving me a migraine”
“Don’t be silly, Angels don’t get migraines”
“Obviously, you haven’t met her yet" he tittered trying to make his point.
Michael only grimaced impatiently.
“Listen Castiel, I am preparing for a battle over seal #54, I don’t have time for your nonsense now”
“A battle? Please take me with you and leave someone else behind… Haneel perhaps?” *I dislike that smug ***ker*
“No! If God asked you to be the one to look after her, then you should stay. Now if you’ll excuse me…” he waved and closed the door before Castiel had the chance to say anything else.
"Oh geez, Michael you've been so helpful. Well *uck you very much!" he started and as he went farther. "*uck, *uck, *uck..."
"Keep it up like this, Castiel and we are going to reassign you to the Choir!” Michael’s voice threatened from inside his chamber.
Castiel went all wide-eyed.
“Whaaaa-at? You can't do that! But I'm always out of tune” he protests.
"Not after what I'm gonna do to you, if you don't knock it off now. You will be Maria friggin Callas!!! Capisci?"
Castiel panicked.
This couldn't be happening. He was a warrior, a fighter and now over this silly girl he was doomed to sing "Hallelujah" for all eternity instead of shouting "Attack!"
"Not after what I’m gonna do to you" Michael’s words resounded in his head.
“OMG” he thought, “’Cracking the Heavens’ scene 1?”
~ Fin~
Comments are love! <3
Author:
force_obliqueRating: PG-13 - ;)
Disclaimer: I don't own anything! :P
Characters/Pairings: Castiel/Elle Bishop - mostly poor Castiel's POV, Claire Bennet cameo
Spoilers/Warnings: General fic - no spoiler, Crack!Fic
Summary: “We are ANGELS, we DON’T have sex!! Is that understood?” Castiel shouted, ignoring the pointed, disapproving looks he got from the other angels around him since he said the “s” word.
“Liar! And how were Nephilims born, huh?” Elle quipped.
“Do I look like an obstetrician?”
Author's Notes: This is what happens when you go completely insane. When you are talking with people as insane as yourself...there's no escape. It was beyond my control!
And this is the second time... heee since it is the Sequel!
Dedicated to My Joy Parade:
broodyletons: You need the cheering up hun, hope you likeglass_fawn: You were/are the inspiration behind this after all! *g*READ THE FIRST PART(stand-alone too)HERE
Crossposted to Heroes and SPN communities and also at :
heroes_crack, ellecrossing and spn_castielElle Bishop /Castiel --- Castiel POV
When she came to, she felt dizzy and disoriented. Since she couldn’t remember what had happened she had no idea where she was.
She was flat on her stomach and she quickly rolled over and looked around.
If she didn’t know any better she would swear she was inside a cloud.
Everything around her was blueish and fluffy. And soft too.
But how the hell was it possible that she could stand up and walk?
She had barely walked a few steps when Castiel appeared, solemn as ever.
She grinned at him.
“Let me guess, now you have come to tell me that this is HEAVEN?” *holyfuckingshit… it is heaven*
He was surprised at the question. “Why, yes?”
“Get outta here!!” she giggled.
“Pardon? You want me to leave?”
“Do you always take everything so literally?” the blonde asked him rolling her eyes.
“Is there any other way?”
She glanced at him for a few seconds before replying.
“I guess you have to be human to get it” *man, this dude was not fun at all*
She approached him, waving her finger at him, revealing more of her already abysmal cleavage. “You know I should totally zap your ass for knocking me out and bringing me here” *if this isn’t sexy, I don’t know what is*
He merely smirked. “Like you could” he said, seemingly unaffected.
*breathe, just breathe, dont slap yourself and don't stare**
She sighed and stood akimbo.
It made her look more threatening she was told. - *this was back when she was in a dominatrix phase*
“Just this once, I will let it slide. Only because I have no idea where I am and why I am here. Care to explain?” she said trying to read his face.
“God decided to give you a second chance, so I was asked to bring you here for an assignment” the angel answered and he didn’t seem happy about it.
She frowned and cleared her throat.
Now wasn’t the time to act ungrateful, but everything comes at a price.
“And what if I don’t want it? What if I want to go back to earth?
If Castiel was capable of showing any emotion this was it and he seemed as if he were expecting her to say that. Hoping actually.
"Awesome. Then jump..." was his cryptic reply.
"What? Jump from heaven…. Are you ‘high’?
Well scratch that, we are both high, literally. But I can’t fly you know!!”
“Believe me, I know” he said amused.
“Well, what about you?"
"Do I look like a cab?"
"No! Just someone with wings – dude, no engine, no gasoline, totally environmentally friendly"
"Very funny"
“Thanks I pride myself on my wits”
“Good for you. Now shall we? I have orders to take you to God’s chamber”
Elle’s eyes went huge with awe. “Wait, you mean He actually wants to meet me?”
“As if” Castiel snorts. “You will not see my Father. You will only listen”
“Ok fair enough…still….” She said walking after him s he led the way.
Around her other angels more or less like Castiel were around minding their business, whatever business it was.
“So, were you the one who talked Him into forgiving me?”
He waved his hand over his shoulder signalling “no”.
“You really are crazy. Why would I do that?” he exclaimed.
“I don’t know. Maybe you wanted to keep me here for some earthly, carnal pleasure?” she suggested and though he had his back turned Castiel knew she was winking.
That girl would never learn….
“Nice try, but ….no”
His reply didn’t satisfy her though and as she saw many angels who could put to shame lots of male Calvin Klein underwear models, she said:
“Wow so many angels, are they all as dedicated as you?” *please say no, say no*
“Of course” (if you exclude that sadist Haneel and that perve Azazeal)
“So, they don’t like sex?”
“Of course not!” he started.
“Have they even tried it? They might change their minds, if they do try it”
Annoyed, he turned to look at her.
“We are ANGELS, we DON’T have sex!! Is that understood?” he shouted, ignoring the pointed, disapproving looks he got of the other angels around him since he said the “s” word.
“Liar! And how were Nephilims born, huh?”
“Do I look like an obstetrician?”
God this girl was giving him a headache.
“Besides, those were Fallen Angels. Mark the difference. We are not fallen, we still have our grace” he finished proudly.
“Yeah, but no sex” she murmured.
“Well, it’s ok. All you need is a shove, literally” she teased.
“Nooooo!” he said quickly covering her mouth with his hands.
“There will be no ‘shoving’ of any kind and I don’t wanna see you talking to any other of the angels, are we clear?”
She disentangled herself from his grasp and laughed. “So you are not all as invulnerable as you say! Interesting… I think I will be having a lot of fun here” she whispered to herself.
Castiel only rolled his eyes. ---*hide your blushing eyes*---
*Sweet Mother of Jesus, she is one step away from talking our young angels into shooting porn in heaven!!
I can already see the titles on the deluxe dvd sets..:
“Fucking Grace…literally”, “My cock-y Angel”, “Ass-azeal the naughty angel”, “Cracking The Heavens”, “The Back ‘Door’ to Heaven” with Elle Bis-HOP *
---*you can open your eyes now*---
“Okay, I will stop! So, what do you do for fun around here?" the cheeky blond asked.
"Well, if there is no ongoing battle, we praise the Lord and we pray." He sighed in relief, glad the conversation was taking another turn.
"And after that?" she pressed.
"We pray some more"
"Wow, for being so close to God, you surely pray a lot. What's the matter? He needs all the good luck He can get?" she gigglesnorted.
"Don’t blaspheme!"
"I don't, I'm just being a smart ass, trying to annoy you" she stuck her tongue at him again.
*little pink devil aaaargh*
"You are doing a terrific job, your father would be proud" he mouthed, irony in his voice.
"Is your father proud?" she teased him.
“Wait here, I will be back!” he ordered ignoring her. *I will be back, unfortunately*
“Wait here? And what am I supposed to do in the meantime?” she asked folding her arms across her chest.
“I don’t know… Maybe listen on somebody’s thoughts or prayers?”
"Wait, you mean you can actually listen to someone's thoughts from here?"
"Yes, anyone you want. Just name the person and you can hear him or her, ok? Now get off my back”
“Gladly” she answered back but he was already gone somewhere she couldn’t see.
*anyone in the world? This is friggin awesome*
“Huh! How about that blond bitch, Claire Bennet?” she mouthed and immediately felt a ringing in her head.
Claire Bennet:
Oh God. My daddy doesn’t love me enough. He went after Sylar and that blonde useless slut while I was dying… Boohoo…
Wait, will crying make my eyes puffy? My fabulous eyepencil will smudge. Damn and I have to take Lyle from school later. *lesigh*
The cross I have to bear for being the big sister…
Now where was I? Oh yes! God, I promise I will be good just promise me my dad will come back.
And so that you know… Immortality sucks!
My skin is impenetrable and that means I can get no nosejob and no boob job!! *annoyed*
How am I supposed to spend eternity without boobs? *braincell explodes* .....*braincell regenerates*
Oh God will I ever get laid? Not even Sylar would shag me and he is one perverted son of a bitch! *sniffles*
And I need new extensions because these are wearing thin, do you hear me?
What else? Hmmm, oh yeah World Peace *I feel like I’m in a beauty pageant* and please, please, please have a nekkid!Peter wait for me in my room when I go upstairs…
Erase his memory afterwards if you must!
Please God? Nekkid Peter? I would praise you for all eternity and I am not kidding*
Elle shakes her head and snorts: "And they dare call me delusional?"
*****In the meantime, Castiel wasn’t enjoying himself as much.*****
“What do you mean you can’t accept her now? You asked to see her, You can't be busy”
“I am busy. Keep her company till I ask for her again”
The angel’s eyes went huge with horror.
For a split moment he slipped and slapped himself in front of the Lord.
“Father, please. You don’t know what you are asking. This girl is insufferable”
“How can you say that, Castiel? You have led my Angels to battle and this little thing is harmless.
That is why she was saved. She is simply misguided and it is your duty to bring her back to her original holiness.”
“No, no” he starts shaking his head. “She cannot be saved and I surely can’t help her or keep her company”
“DO YOU REFUSE ME?” God’s voice was soft and calm but Castiel knew him better than that. Rage hot like fire seethed underneath and it would come out if he pushed Him far enough.
Swallowing with difficulty he tried to make amends.
“Of course not, I do not refuse you. I am merely asking you to reconsider. I cannot do it alone”
“My decision is final. If you need any help though, ask Michael and he will tell you what to do”
The angel sighed, accepting his fate and left without any other words.
****************
Elle’s face lit up when she saw him. “Now He will see me?”
“No, I am afraid I will have to keep you company till He is available again”
“Oh, goodie” she said clapping. “Maybe you can show me around some more”.
*Yeah, goodie* he scoffed.
“No, no… Stay here! I will be back”
“No, don’t leave …Wait” she uttered but he was already flying away.
In a matter of seconds he was outside Archangel Michael’s chamber. Castiel took a deep breath and knocked.
“Yes?” Michael’s voice sounded.
“Michael, it’s me Castiel. I need your help”
The higher angel opened the door dressed in a sweat suit.
“What for?”
“Well, God asked me to watch over this insolent human and I can’t get her to shut up, she is giving me a migraine”
“Don’t be silly, Angels don’t get migraines”
“Obviously, you haven’t met her yet" he tittered trying to make his point.
Michael only grimaced impatiently.
“Listen Castiel, I am preparing for a battle over seal #54, I don’t have time for your nonsense now”
“A battle? Please take me with you and leave someone else behind… Haneel perhaps?” *I dislike that smug ***ker*
“No! If God asked you to be the one to look after her, then you should stay. Now if you’ll excuse me…” he waved and closed the door before Castiel had the chance to say anything else.
"Oh geez, Michael you've been so helpful. Well *uck you very much!" he started and as he went farther. "*uck, *uck, *uck..."
"Keep it up like this, Castiel and we are going to reassign you to the Choir!” Michael’s voice threatened from inside his chamber.
Castiel went all wide-eyed.
“Whaaaa-at? You can't do that! But I'm always out of tune” he protests.
"Not after what I'm gonna do to you, if you don't knock it off now. You will be Maria friggin Callas!!! Capisci?"
Castiel panicked.
This couldn't be happening. He was a warrior, a fighter and now over this silly girl he was doomed to sing "Hallelujah" for all eternity instead of shouting "Attack!"
"Not after what I’m gonna do to you" Michael’s words resounded in his head.
“OMG” he thought, “’Cracking the Heavens’ scene 1?”
~ Fin~
Comments are love! <3
